By Tactical Mike Keleher
Disclosure: I have at least three of everything ever marketed by the gun community that is black, may or may not have Velcro on it, and is labeled “Tactical.” I don’t need any more Tactical anything. I don’t have enough Tactical room for it or a perceived need not already covered by pervious purchases. I am Tactically jaded beyond belief. Walking the aisles of the SHOT Show I am Practically Tactically Allergic to the very phrase.
So only once in a great while do I stumble over a new item that makes me slow down, imagine a perceived use, and then start thinking of banking strategies to hide the purchase from my Adventure Wife…all in about 10 seconds of reading an advertisement or picking up the unusual item.
So there I was… minding my own business flipping pages in a major gun group magazine which has not had anything interesting in it since the introduction of the M-1 Garand, and I see “Bulletproof Memory Foam Pillow.” Whaa? Yep. No joke. It is real. Rtstactical.com is selling this memory foam bed pillow, which looks exactly like- well a bed pillow… with a Level IIIa bullet resistant slab down the center for the mere sum of $399. (It is an extra $29.99 for the Bamboo Cotton Pillowcase- so obviously worth it!) Does Mike Lindell know about this?
I had to let my imagination run amuck (as it often does) figuring out if I have a previously undiagnosed need for a bulletproof pillow. Hmm. I don’t think so, but I could not dismiss it out of hand after the well documented and precedent setting case from 2019 which set us all on our collective home defense ears- when Florida Man used an actual shower gun to defend himself…while in the shower! All those preparations can come true!
Back to the pillow I could not get the mental pictures to coalesce of me, staggering out of bed, in the dark, holding my pillow in front of me like a 7-year-old. Then boldly wandering around the house behind my pillow (yes, my pillow not that other guys MyPillow which is not bullet resistant in the least). Might work like a champ for you. Me, not so much.
If I have to go bump-in-the-night-hunting, I can put on real armor, hold a gun and a light and a phone somewhere (tough to do if you are pajama averse.) I even like the John Connor gun writer advice to have a gun belt already made up and hanging in your closet if you are prone to traipsing in the dark. Put your stuff in the holster/pockets along with extra mags and walk on (once again mental picture problems if you are a sleep in the buff practitioner, wearing a gun belt, in the living room or yard when the lights come on or the police arrive. It still is a pretty good idea. Makes a lot of sense. I don’t do it, but I like the idea! It’s all tactical and such.
I am a fan and have written previously in these august pages about bullet proof backpack inserts and brief case inserts for people and kids who have to go bad places. Bullet proof hoodies seem kind of cool too. Heavy, but cool gear.
I even found a throw pillow for sale that has…get this…a bulletproof tac vest printed on the front for only $30. It is not ballistically rated, it’s just a pillow… that looks like a vest… which I guess you could hold in front of you giving you all the protection of a…pillow. Maybe get another pillow with a picture of a gun on it (Note to sales: This would sell like hotcakes in California!) Hold it just a minute! Spinoff idea: make additional pillow with picture of policeman on it you could hold up to a bad guy!
This pillow deal got me a wondering about some other bullet proof household items which might sell at a good clip- especially if we make ‘em in black, with some Velcro you know… the T-word. Most items are just “Bullet Resistent” anyway…not “Bullet Proof”. Even vehicles are only projectile resistant unless manufactured while Elvis was still alive. Look it up kids.
The Van Pelt Executive Edition Bullet Proof Blankee seems like an obvious spin off from this pillow idea. I could see myself carrying a blankee around the house. Maybe put a slit in it and use it as a poncho to watch TV like a Snuggie when not all Tactical. P.S.- you could hide an entire assault squad under your blankee!
How about a Tactical Kurig? Put some arm straps on this bad boy and you could get pistol rated caffeinated protection in mere seconds. Not to mention if you have to hunker down waiting for the police and are near an outlet, you could brew up and have a hot cup of joe ready for responding police officers. Always thinking of others, that’s me.
Another unused item present in so many homes could be repurposed as a bullet deflecting device. Yes, the unused exercise bike! It has been idle since the week after it arrived and can plus up from the current use as an auxiliary indoor wet clothing hanger to a defensive device for the very skinny! It is already made of metal and would confuse the heck out of any bad guy who finds a nervous homeowner crouched behind one. * Handle Hatchet TM sold seperately.
(Look for a free and barely used exercise bike curbside in the spring. That is when they migrate outside following their winter purchase.)
How about Kale? Not sure it stops bullets, but it stops me. “I have called the Police. I have a gun, and I have Kale!” In an emergency you can just throw some in the air and yell “Kale!” See how that works for you? (Special Tactical Kale cooking tip-if you cook some up put coconut oil in the bottom of the pan, then it slides right out into the garbage. Yer Welcome.)
Next up, an actual item in my personal inventory, and why don’t you already have one too-the Tac Vest Can Coolie! Has all the necessary straps, Velcro and tiny tiny Molle straps you would expect for protection of your cold drink from hot hands. Bullets? Not so much, and pretty small to try and hide behind. If you can fit behind it, you have other inherent problems you are probably already aware of.
The Mac Daddy of bullet resistant already-got-it-at-home devices, is of course that 1980’s Almond Yellow Beige Tan Ochre refrigerator/freezer in the basement or garage. This sumbich is so dependable it will never die, and you can hide in and around it in a variety of positions while still keeping your food products cold. -1 for mobility, but +10 for resistant to puncture when filled with all those ice blocks you save but never need and all that old beer you call “supplies.” Tipped over it may make an ad hoc nuke bunker and is rated Level X to stop M1 Abram Tank Rounds. Safety Note: Don’t expect any modern fridge less than 30 years old to protect you. Expected Service Life is about 10 minutes after you bought it and it won’t even protect eggs. Rumor on the street is the Russians have put out a call for old fridges to put on the Ukraine front lines to replace their miserable and failing tank force.
Lastly, (yes God please make him stop) you may have seen all the military inspired bullet proof Plate Gear which are just insanely dense and heavy metal plates, hung in front and hopefully back of your torso in “Plate Carriers.” (I often worry about the target name “Plate Rack” being used by people wearing “Plate Carriers.” They offer heavy and hard Level IV protection at an uncomfortable price and even less comfy ride. Best of both worlds there. Checking around the house how about a tactical I-padd-carrier? You have already lost the charging cord, or it has quit working on its own. Just hang it on the front of your plate carrier. Much lighter and smaller than most plates, yet significantly less resistant to bullets. Extended use includes the ability to ask aloud “Siri, what’s that noise?”, “Siri can you do facial recognition at night?” and “Siri are those incoming rounds?” or “Siri add bandages to my shopping list.”
Bullet resistant Kindle Fire tablets may also be used, but of course they don’t work with most available tablet plate carriers and are best with their Amazon Overlords proprietary carriers where they will mimic several I-padd or Android tablet functions but ultimately disappoint…Level II at best.