The Babylon Bee, America’s new newspaper of record, has a very relevant story that all Chicagoans must read.
Back off the weed that dulls the senses, folks. Ease back on the booze… yes, even those two beers a week the Biden administration wants to limit folks to. Because in Chicago, you better duck when someone’s shooting your way or Mayor Johnson might sue your estate…
CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced this week that Chicago is bringing a lawsuit against the estates of thousands of murder victims for failing to step out of the way of bullets when they were shot at.
“There is a crime wave being fed by too many sluggish shooting victims,” said Johnson to a roomful of gang members disguised as journalists. “How hard is it to take a couple of steps to the right, or maybe duck once in a while? The gross negligence of Chicago’s murder victims is out of control and we will hold them accountable.”
The lawsuit comes as part of a multi-pronged effort to fight crime in the city, which will also include suing convenience store owners for having so many tempting treats to steal, suing car manufacturers for making cars that can be broken into, and suing babies for being too easy to kidnap.
“We will do everything in our power to protect our citizens short of holding criminals accountable for their actions,” said Johnson. “And next time someone shoots at you, do the right thing and get out of the way.”
“Or we are coming for you.”
Yeah, we know it’s satire.