What’s the average IQ of a Chicago gang banger who dropped out of high school? 60? 70? Maybe on a good day.
Nineteen-year-old Jeremy Jones—street name probably “Spoody” from that lame-ass Instagram handle @spoodyfrm76th—wasn’t even scraping the bottom of tenth of a tank of brain power. This oxygen-wasting genius spent nearly a year advertising guns on social media like it was Etsy for felons, including a purple-and-black Ruger Security-9 that screamed “look at me, I’m a tough guy with bad taste.” He and his two brain-trust accomplices, 20-year-old Carmell Massey and 22-year-old Christopher Densmore, decided the move was to set up an undercover ATF agent for a $600 gun buy in a Walmart parking lot on the South Side, then rob him instead.
Yeah, as a side note, if you needed another reason to make damn sure you’ve got your gun when you do a quick Walmart run, this is it. In all capital letters.
Back to our retarded trio… Because why flip burgers or learn a trade when you can play gangster roulette with federal agents? Real masterminds, these three. How will we ever cure cancer with them incarcerated?
Picture this absolute symphony of stupidity: Jones, hobbling around on crutches like a discount pirate, rolls up in a black Chevy Cruze with Massey driving and Densmore riding shotgun on dumb ideas. They change the meet spot because the first one was “too hot”—yeah, genius move, nothing suspicious about that. Densmore struts over, flashes the Ruger. Mr. ATF looks at it, unloads it and puts it on the dash. Then Jones starts playing reload-and-demand-money-first like he’s in a bad rap video. No deal? Back to the car. Then Jones, the big brain, reaches through the window, grabs for the cash and the agent, pulls the pistol, and points it right at a trained federal officer.
BANG. ATF agent fires one shot. Bullet hits the Cruze. And not Jones. Sadly. No one even gets scratched because these clowns couldn’t execute a lemonade stand heist without tripping over their own low-hanging pants.
Panic mode: Massey slams the gas, tries to ram an ATF vehicle head-on like it’s GTA with training wheels. Surveillance teams swarm and box them in. Game over in seconds. Jones and Densmore immediately start singing to investigators after Miranda—admitting they planned the whole robbery beforehand. Massey claims he “didn’t know” until the bullets started flying. Sure, buddy. Just giving your boys a ride to Walmart for milk and 40 ounce beers.
These three turds embody the anti-social evolutionary dead-end: too dumb to work, too lazy to think, too feral to contribute anything except more bodies for the chalk outline crew. Jeremy Jones especially—19 years old, already advertising illegal heat online like a toddler showing off stolen candy, hobbling into a federal sting with the spatial awareness of a goldfish on fentanyl. His big plan? Rip off a fed for pocket change while waving a gun around in broad daylight. Peak Chicago thug logic: “I’m gonna get rich by being the stupidest predator in the food chain.”
Then again, it’s Chicago. AKA the land of Crime without Consequences.
Newsflash, Jeremy: the world doesn’t owe you for your choices. You chose the streets over a diploma, Instagram clout over a paycheck, and “gang-banging thug” over anything resembling a future. Now you’re federally charged with attempted robbery and brandishing a firearm during a crime of violence—because even the feds can spot a walking cautionary tale when it points a Ruger at them.
This is the part where reality hits harder than that ATF round could have. Guys like Jones and his two thug sidekicks burn bright and short. Anti-social to the core, allergic to responsibility, allergic to consequences until they can’t dodge them anymore. Statistically, the odds are garbage: dead in a ditch, shot in another botched “op,” or sodomized to death in a federal pen long before 30 rolls around. Wasting perfectly good air that could go to literally anyone else with half a frontal lobe and a work ethic.
They’ll cry about “the system” while ignoring that the system just handed them a Darwin Award nomination in real time. Jeremy Jones, Carmell Massey, Christopher Densmore—the Three Stooges of street crime, except nobody’s laughing except the rest of us watching natural selection do its thing in a Walmart lot.
Keep thugging, fellas. The ditch is patient just looking for low-IQ brainiacs to do stupid crap and win stupid prizes before they bleed out in the ditch. And Chicago’s got plenty more room.
JB, you’re on fire! This is classic Boch prose, keep it comin’