Yes, gang bangers in Chicago are certified morons. And those are the few who can read. Then there are the illiterate ones. Because, you know, school is for suckas!
Need another example of the brain trust that is Chicago’s criminal class?
Meet Mark A. Sanchez, aka Dirty Sanchez, the 23-year-old suburban genius who thought robbing a bank inside a Jewel-Osco was a solid career move. This absolute mouth-breather strolled in wearing a long dark wig, glasses, surgical mask, and puffy jacket like he was auditioning for the world’s saddest Halloween costume. He slapped a blue zippered pouch on the counter, flashed his loaded Keltec pistol, and politely demanded “all your hundreds” because nothing says master criminal like asking the teller to empty the big bills drawer.
Why all hundreds? Probably because five, tens and twenties don’t make for dramatic instagram photos. Neither do 50s. For Dirty, it’s hundreds of bust.
But hold onto your beer! Then the magic happened.
Dirty Sanchez waited. And waited. For nearly eight full minutes.
Eight. Minutes.
While the first teller “called for approval,” the second blamed “technical issues,” and the third showed him an empty drawer. Our boy just stood there like a drooling simpleton, shifting from window to window, patiently waiting for corporate to sign off on his big score. No yelling, no shooting, no “hurry the hell up”—just pure, unfiltered stupidity as the clock ticked and the cops rolled in to their easiest serious felony arrest all week long.
This wig-wearing legend didn’t even try to run. He casually wandered through the grocery store still fully disguised, probably eyeing the two-for-one Tostino’s pizzas, until officers walked up and he cheerfully announced, “It’s me. I am the one you are looking for.” Holy crap. Peak criminal mastermind energy.
Dirty Sanchez, you pathetic oxygen thief. This dim bulb is too dumb to rob a lemonade stand without a permission slip, too slow to realize he’s being stalled while the police walk over from the nearby donut shop. You brought a gun to a customer-service standoff and still walked away with nothing but a federal attempted bank robbery charge and eternal internet mockery.
At 23 you’ve already peaked as the slowest armed robber this week. The good news is there’s next week to find the next one.
But morons like Dirty can still kill you or members of your family dead through missing their intended target(s) or by getting upset with you when you won’t hand over your valuables. This is why we all need to practice situational awareness and carry everyday.
Because the only thing that stops bad people with evil in their hearts is a good guy or gal with a gun.