I’m saddened to say the author of this trash is from DeKalb, IL.
Not sure which girls prep school he learned all this, but check out number 25.
We fisk them all, just for fun.
27 Ways to Be a Modern Man
(New York Times) – Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.
Being a real man is timeless, in many ways like our U.S. Constitution. It needs not be blended with anything modern, any more than we should take “relevant” bits of the Constitution and “blend them with the stuff of today”.
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
A real man spending time at a women’s shoe store and know which sizes run big or small? Maybe if you’re Al Bundy and you work in a women’s shoe store.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
Otherwise known as sticking your head in the sand and pretending there isn’t a problem and kicking he can down the road so the next person, or generation can take care of it. Politicians have mastered this one. The real man deals with problems so he can resume his confidence, confident in his decision-making leading to a positive outcome.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
A real man doesn’t dwell on stupid things like someone chomping on popcorn during a “quiet moment”. Real men almost never go to movies with quiet moments anyway. Something’s usually getting blown up, shot up, revved up or all of the above.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
A man doesn’t pick steaks with fat or char his filet. Better still, an educated man can spell ‘filet’ correctly when describing meat as opposed to a fish fillet.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
A real man doesn’t dwell on the parking place. He parks, and goes about his business.
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
A real man has a spare battery and a spouse that not only takes care of her own phone, but his as well. If the kids can’t take care of their stuff, then they accept the consequences.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
A real man asks for a beer. In a bottle. Failing the bottle, in a can will work. Extra points for a frozen mug.
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
A real man knows he can call a “chopper” anything he wants around his friends and any sissified pansies from the New York Times can go self-procreate if they think he’s a gauche simpleton. He further looks askance at any liberals who employ sesquipedalian tendencies to fraudulently promote their supposed intellect. (For the Rio Linda folks, that means “real men don’t care for people who use big words to pretend to be smarter than they really are”.)
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
Having a daughter is good. Having a son is good. He teaches them new things everyday, both knowledge and interpersonal relationship skills. He is their role model and rock.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
A real man will help his wife now and then, and has a wife who is grateful for his help, regardless if the last speck of water dries in the rack or in the silverware drawer.
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
A real man doesn’t tweet like a bird or anything else.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
A real man uses Duke Cannon soap, not those sissy bars they now sell that are the size of what used to be complimentary hotel bars. If the bar is too small, a real man steps out of the shower and gets another bar out of the cabinet. It’s just water. It’ll dry.
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
A real man doesn’t know if Wu-Tang is a drink, a crude word for part of the anatomy or a sex act. Either way, he’s not really interested.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
Agreed. Why? Because a real man’s head is on a swivel, watching for potential trouble.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
A real man wears boots. Black or brown boots. Unless he’s got his dress shoes on if he’s in a suit. Either way, he takes them off when he goes into his house to he doesn’t track dirt in to disrespect the work he and his wife does to keep the house clean.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
A real man lets his wife pick which side of the bed she sleeps on and has a firearm on each side of the bed she can cover him and he can cover her if an intruder makes the mistake of breaking in. Locks at a real man’s house are more to keep the bad guys from making a fatal mistake in the victim selection process, than to keep the occupants safe.
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
A real man has a cigar cutter and a bottle opener. Besides, a real man’s wife already has the melon baller thing all taken care of.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Already got one for those rare days he’s not wearing boots.
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
A real man does more than buy his wife fresh flowers to show his love and affection to her.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
A real man wouldn’t think of being “the little spoon”. The real man is the rock his family can count on for stability and wisdom, along with honor, integrity and reliability. Real men are strong, and don’t feel vulnerable to the bogeyman or anyone else up to no good. That’s what Mr. 12 Gauge is for.
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
A real man does worry about such trivialities.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
A real man cancelled his subscription to the dead tree press long ago and gets his news from the new media online. He’s tired of being told he needs to be the little spoon, or how he should have a melon baller or shouldn’t ever have a use for a gun.
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Michael who? A real man has a copy of American Sniper right next to Apolocalypse Now and The Godfather. Extra credit for Blackhawk Down, Silence of the Lambs and maybe Scarface.
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
A real man has a spare battery. They’re on Amazon for cheap.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Blasphemy. A real man not only owns a gun, he owns enough so everyone in the household has at least one and they have the knowledge, skills and abilities to use them to protect themselves, their home and the rest of the family. A real man doesn’t leave protection of his family to strangers with guns. He has a pair of testicles of his own.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
A real man is the rock of the family. Rocks don’t cry.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
A real man knows how to fight first, and then maybe later learns how to dance. Cute dance moves don’t protect his wife and children from bad men with evil in their hearts.
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