Meet Kevin. He’s got an anger management problem to go along with his “bully” personality. We’ll let other people debate whether Kevin didn’t get enough breast milk from his mommy or if his daddy didn’t give him enough attention (or the wrong sort of attention) as the source of his insecurities and mental disorders.
But let’s say this parking lot psycho—let’s call him “Kevin the Kicker” – is serious pissed at you, gentle reader.
Yes, he’s in a rage, clearly thinking with his lizard brain. He’s decided to make your door panel is his personal soccer ball because you snagged the spot he was “saving” with his psychic powers.
You’re a good guy with a carry license.
But you know punching Kevin’s ticket isn’t going to be a winning move because it’ll be hell in the aftermath. Yes, in Texas, you could say “he had it comin'” and after a jury watched the video, you would probably get the key to the city. But we don’t live in Texas.
What do you do?
You’re parked at the mall and Kevin approaches, yelling, cursing, begins kicking your door. You’re scared because he seems unhinged and dangerous. You film him and call the police. Kevin’s behavior begins to draw a crowd. What’s his problem? Is he this upset over a parking space? https://t.co/pRM65sMaZk pic.twitter.com/UfpBB9oMOC
— Blonde of War (JJ) (@jnicolem) February 10, 2026
Let’s break down some options in a way that’s more entertaining than what Joe Biden would recommend.
Option 1: The Fortress Turtle (Defensive Masterclass)
Lock those doors tighter than a miser’s wallet, crank up the AC (or heat, depending on the Illinois weather roulette), and turn your car into an impregnable bunker. Illinois doesn’t have castle doctrine but we do have “Stand Your Ground” thanks to a 1903 IL Supreme Court decision.
If Kevin escalates from door-denting diva to window-smashing savage, you’re legally golden to defend your turf without a duty to retreat.
As soon as you confirm the doors are locked, you should whip out your phone and dial those magical three digits: 911.
If you can multi-task or if you have a passenger with a phone, have them film the freakout for that sweet evidence reel (bonus points if you narrate it like a wildlife documentary: “And here we see the wild Kevin in his natural habitat, raging over prime parking real estate” – just kidding. You can think it, just don’t say it.) while you’re on the phone to 911.
Why call 911 immediately? Because cops love arriving to a well-documented drama, and he who calls first is presumed to be the victim.
Option 2: The Great Escape (Houdini on Wheels)
If Kevin’s still playing human pinball with your panels but hasn’t breached the perimeter, channel your inner getaway driver. Illinois self-defense laws don’t require you to sit there like a parked duck if escape is feasible— there’s no duty to retreat in public if the threat’s real. Fire up the engine, ease out of the spot (carefully, no vehicular manslaughter vibes), and peel away to safety.
Think of it as the parking lot version of a mic drop: “Adios, Kevin—you can have the spot now, along with the therapy bill.”
Pro tip: If he’s blocking you, honk like it’s the apocalypse to draw a crowd (witnesses are your best friends in court). Let the car move slowly.
Option 3: The Verbal Judo Jedi (De-Escalation with a Twist)?
Roll down the window a crack to try to de-escalate… might work. But if Kevin’s thinking with his lizard brain, he’s not thinking rationally or logically. You might as well as negotiate with a pig. Plus you’ll weaken the window’s integrity in a big way. But if you WANT him to break the window to escalate, that might be part of the plan.
Option 4: “NO” spoken by Mr. Smith & Wesson.
If Kevin goes full berserker—shattering your window and reaching in to launch a physical assault, he’s pretty much a viable target. Try to drive away, running his ass over if he’s in the way. And if that fails, smoke him, especially if he starts coming through the window to join you in the passenger compartment.
Ditto if he presents a firearm.
Shoot him rapidly and promiscuously until he ceases his “big feelings” turned “big violence.”
Punch his ticket.
Bottom line, folks: In Illinois, concealed carry’s your ace in the hole, but the real MVP is avoidance and de-escalation. Kevin’s the one turning a parking spat into a spectacle; you’re the smart one staying cool, legal, and alive.
I think there are special Head Hunters out there Who recruit for 9-1-1 dispatch centers… they regularly scour The list of High school dropouts and those who finished last in their classes, contact them and say “Hey you look ideal for this position we have in government!!!”
I think 9-1-1 dispatchers are typically the dumbest human beings who have ever lived. These girls were obviously scared for their lives And he sat there arguing with them about what color the guys f****** jeans were!! “are you sure???”
Cops: when you get a 911 call for an emergency that could develop into a life and death situation get the f****** cars rolling! Then cover all the finer details that are absolutely unnecessary in any normal environment.
I’m not sure how much Dumber he could get; it’s possible! But there’s the language issue too it’s clear that English is not his first language and that’s a problem as well.
*** oh and, speaking from experience, if you’re going to carry a weapon concealed or openly, get the insurance! If you do not it can get very very expensive very quick! Word!
First, we have that tell-tale “clue” – the nasal N.Y. accent.
Next, he looks, sounds, and acts maybe like a “Slocum” from Schenectady – or maybe a “Ricky” from Rikers.
Next, or worstly, this appears there could be a liberal invasion taking place in Texas.
Lastly, I know Kevins, and he is NO Kevin.