CWB Chicago gives us the latest bit of Chicago-style crime… Today it’s the classic Chicago welcome package: one free “diversity” lesson, delivered via fists and felony vibes, no RSVP required.
Today’s star: Shubham Patil, 23, fresh(ish) from India, studying cybersecurity at Roosevelt University—because nothing says “secure future” like commuting on the Red Line at midnight.
Our naive hero is chatting sweetly with grandma in his native language (you know, the international-student equivalent of waving a red flag at a bull), when 28-year-old Aaron Hughes—repeat customer of the Illinois prison system, veteran of robbery and armed robbery—decides this is the perfect moment for a cultural exchange.
Hughes allegedly strolls over like he’s auditioning for “Most Unhinged Train Commuter,” starts hurling profanities, then unleashes a full combo: punches, knees, the works. Because apparently speaking a foreign language other than Spanish on the phone is code for “please rob and batter me.” Shubham gets his valuables stripped right there on the moving train—truly peak multitasking.
Train pulls into North-Clybourn, Shubham (brave or just in shock) follows the guy onto the platform for round two. Hughes obliges with another smack and more theft before sprinting off like he’s late for his next court date. Shubham? He’s left tending to his injuries, and undergoing a major life reevaluation.
“Just move to another car.”
In true CTA fashion, our victim hits the emergency button and screams for help like a horror-movie extra. The operator’s response? Pure gold: “Just move to another car.”
Brilliant customer service—because nothing de-escalates an active beating like a casual game of musical train cars. Meanwhile, the rest of the passengers apparently perfected the art of selective deafness and sudden interest in their phones. Solidarity, Chicago style.
Police eventually nab Hughes by sheer dumb luck—a tactical team spots their old pal cruising the Loop like he owns the place. Can’t make this up: guy has so many priors he might as well have a loyalty card at Cook County Jail.
Shubham, now fully graduated from the School of Hard Knocks (Chicago campus), tells NBC he’s pondering dropping out this semester and heading back to India. “I forgive him,” he says nobly, “but please don’t do this to another international student or anyone else.”
Forgiveness? Adorable. Reality check? Brutal. Welcome to the city where “diversity” sometimes comes with a side of felony assault, zero bystander intervention, and transit staff who treat violent crime like mild inconvenience. Hope the tuition was worth the crash course in urban realism, pal.
Pro tip for next time, Shubham: maybe stick to Zoom calls with grandma. Or, you know, just teleport. Safer that way.
But to hear “let-go” Brandon and the “bloviating” jelly-belly Prickster, Chitcago is “safe”, you just have to have a dozen or so taxpayer paid “security personnel”, don-cha know?